That Uncertain Feeling (still here in my brain)

I'm sitting here. Alone. And I can feel the twist knotting itself in my guts. My head is all over the place today. I am not hung-over. I am not drunk, but my legs ache as though they've been punished by some-kind of exertion. I look in to the future - the immediate future - and I am overwhelmed by a sense of uncertainty. I know that I am walking on the thin edge of a precipice, but the fall - if I should stumble - will be slight, I have fallen much further before and survived. Nonetheless, if I abandon this tight-rope then I will have failed...and I don't know how many more times I can allow myself to do that. The sense of isolation is terrifying but the solutions are within my reach, and no-one else's no matter how much they may try to help.

I remember sitting in the same place a few days a go. Then the silence is broken, the cell phone chirps at me and shakes across the desk with vibration from my left-handside with a number that I don't know anymore. I answer it, the voice is angry and full of vitriol. The caller refuses to listen to me or my explanation. They sound slightly unhinged, as I've heard them on few occassions before. It is in stark contrast to how I knew them before.

How many more people will live and then die within my brief attachment to this shell that I inhabit. This is surely just a brief flash within the giant storm of our collective spiritual growth. The voice thought that I had done something vindictive. One and one is one. We are all joined together, we originate from the same flash of creation. Why would I be vindictive to myself? And if this is true, then why did the voice turn upon me not so long ago?

How is it that we are all composed of the same ingredients, and yet so unique and perfectly individual? Did the creator set this up as a trick, a test, or simply as a joke? I hope that in time I will be able to detach myself enough from this reality and gain a more truthful perspective of what we really are about. For the time being I seem to be incurably integrated into this particular existence - my physical existence - my individual flesh and bone entity.

Tom.