Frustrated Wonders

I spent another night last night locked away in my little room. Some of the others in the house are getting annoyed, they think that I'm doing it to be anti-social or maybe melodramatic.

I, ofcourse, know different.

I've been very down (and very tired too), twelve months ago I got the shit beaten out of me. The attack was unprovoked. I woke up in hospital and had to have four teeth replaced (amazingly the NHS dentist did a near seamless job of it). I was close to losing my left eye and still had blood in it after Christmas. The weeks that followed, physically speaking, I felt like I'd been in a car accident. Exhausted. Filled with opiate based pain killers seeing very strange things in my minds eye. I figure that this is why my recent hermit like existence has come to pass, I was alone a year ago too. I needed to be. Its not contrived or deliberate. But for some reason a lot of the same vibes are going through me at the moment. Plus, I've got to give evidence at the trial on this very soon.

But its not just that. How can you explain to people your frustrations and express your anger, when you know that its unique to you. Not that these emotions are per-se, but the particular ones that I feel. They come from MY memories, MY emotions and are processed by MY head.

How do you deal with it? I'll tell you how. You pick up a guitar or a pen, and you sit there in the dark desperately trying to fight your way through it, and USING what you feel, not denying, not side-stepping, not ignoring it. So, this is what I've been doing. That, and thinking. Thinking hard. Trying to rationalise where I fit into the Almighty's scheme. I've always felt so sure, but at the moment I'm being tested.

Hmmm, tricky.

I write this to you today from Brick Lane in East London. I haven't been here since I interviewed the Boyle Family for my thesis. They are celebrated international artists, and lovely people. Old Metzger associates. In the 1960s they also did films and lightshows on tour with Hendrix and Soft Machine.

I am tossing up tonight what I will do in my little room (no, I don't mean 'tossing' in that sense), I discovered some great ideas for music last night. It was very rewarding. I didn't want to structure them into songs, I just NEEDED to play. Maybe tonight I will give myself a bonus, a half bottle of scotch whiskey. Is this wise?

I don't know. I haven't had much at all to drink this week. I AM NOT TRYING TO QUIT! I've just been force to take a break by my finances.

Ok. Hope that all is well in your world. I am re-inventing mine.

Tom.