Stream
I read through my little red book, where I've been writing some bits of poetry and lyrics in for a few months last night. I like this book. There was one page with Interface (Part Three) scribbled into it. This was one of the pieces that I wrote down when I thought that I'd found some-kind of answer to the world a couple of months ago.
I wonder if I'll ever finish it. I'm forever starting things...never finishing them. I call myself an artist but how can this be...if it is true then I am an artist of no value. So am I full of bullshit? Have I managed to pull the wool over everyone's eyes including my own? Does anyone have any REAL faith in me or are they just happy to humor me or more comfortable around me by endorsing a pretence?
Do I pretend to myself? Am I onto something or just spectacularly deluded?
I struggle away in my room with a guitar trying to find a song...I get terribly hung up about using the same chord sequence or the same words that fit so neatly and fall so easily to me. I wonder if anyone will ever give a flying fuck again about anything that I write...when I think about my future - the immediate future - my past and the immediate past I invariably have to find something to get me away from it.
Still though, I carry on. In fact, I have to carry on. I'd be dead if I didn't. I never chose this particular vocation. It chose me. I feel like a pawn in a much bigger game, the complexity of which I don't have a prayer of ever comprehending.
I am rambling today. I am depressed. I will be fine later when I am able to sink into myself for a few hours...I will be fine once I feel like I've completed something for once. Where is my collaborator? Where is my mentor? My greatest ally is dead. He jumped off a building. Why didn't I know how to stop him?
I rage against fate like a rowing boat against the tide. God is a joker...I laugh with him too. I had to learn how to do this in order to survive.
"
Revolving,
evolving,
entwined with this grace,
Falling through the holes,
of the surface
of God's face.
I am drawn to her like the magnet,
I am programmed by the stars."
Is their any truth in this lyric? Or is it just pretty word play?
Tom.
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