Total Waste Of Space
I can't get any focus on anything creative at the moment. I'm deeply concerned about fucking it all up and getting too old to be able to cut it.
I hate mediocrity. We are awash with mediocrity at the moment. Half baked compromises, etc, etc. I want no part in this. Hence, I am feeling disturbed by my own apparent mediocrity and rapid creative decline.
I am disgusted by my indulgence, and have been foolish to frame my own mindset by the standards and expectations of others around me...their expectations are too low. To allow my life to simply click into place with the values and ambitions of my peers leads only to the destruction of my own individual value system.
It shouldn't be a case of get up, go to work, go home, watch television, go to sleep.
I must discipline myself more. I must be more demanding from my time. I will have to work harder...maybe harder than I've ever worked before.
I have achieved nothing yet.
I will put it very simply. I cannot measure any relationships or relative values within my life without a great deal of suspicion about those who ordinarily I should trust and be drawn closer too. Why should people want to love me? I am not, who I am working toward being...simply, I don't understand how people can be content with me, when I feel discontent. Constantly moving upward, onward, elsewhere (though, as I think this entry seems to indicate, recently I have been moving downward or maybe, at best, sideways...this is whilst time moves forward, hence relatively speaking more progress has been regressive- hope that's the right word).
Went on a bender on Friday - not financed by me - smoked quite a lot...haven't smoked since. I think this time that I'm really kicking this habit into touch. Hope so...I need the money.
Tom.
posted by Tom Matchett @ 8:27 am
3 Comments:
Have I told you...I like you. I think the fact that you are motivated is the good thing about you. You may think you're doing nothing, but you have hopes and dreams and you're trying...and that's the whole point.
And by the way, you're an excellent writer.
Hi Tom-
I'm with sarah beth 100%. And I can relate to everything you have written.
Nothing in life is linear. Change is constant. That's about all I've learned in my 43 years.
The important thing is to TRY to improve - like sara beth said.
It's not easy, I know!
Just hang in there...you should read The Four Agreements. I think that would help you alot! It helped me.
Hello guys,
Thanks for nice comments.
Went home after work yesterday, and tried to record the introductory vignettes to my mini-opera. They run to about 5 minutes in length and introduce the basic musical themes and narrative content.
Really frustrating experience. Never, never good enough. I can't expect people to pay (and this will be the first time that I will) for something that has the odd bum note in it.
I do appreciate your comments. Its easy to get detached. England when it comes to pop music at the moment is a very fickle, cynical place...I moved to London recently and am struggling to find my once sure footed place. I'm working so much that its turning off my commentator's eye...and more worryingly my poetic inner monologue.
What's The Four Agreements, Suesjoy?
Once again thanks.
Am going to write a new post today. Finish work. Go home. And record.
Tom.
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