Sleep In The Bath

Which is what I did last night.

Went to my friend Tanya's birthday party in Dalston. As I have nowhere to live at the moment, I managed to blag the bath tub. It was surprisingly comfy, though not very becoming of a twenty five year old masters graduate. According to one of my old tutors I am an 'intellectual'...if only they could see me now (cue self-depreciating laughter).

So things at the moment are all a bit up in the air, but I'm really looking forward to having a place to call 'home' once more soon. It could be a lot worse, and I should be thankful for the grace that I have received, and to myself for some of the fortitude that I seem to be showing at the moment. Three years ago, I was in a simliar situation and mentally I cracked. I suffered from terrible anxiety attacks and would be nearly catatonic. I would barely be able to speak and would find myself outside buildings when everyone else had walked in twenty minutes earlier. They probably thought that I was on the phone, whereas in truth I was having a breakdown and really had no idea - during an attack- of who, where or what I was.

I'm thankful that none of this has cropped up again.

Today, I am tired but quite upbeat. A bit scared and quite lonely though. Such is life, I could do with some companionship right now, I miss having people around me and pray that new people will flood into my life. I've been wreckless with friendships in the past, but I've also been failed by others. It is difficult to maintain momentum when you lack permenance of any kind in your life.

The one thing that I do have permenance with is my love of music. Its great therapy. Both listening to and making it. It is a wonderful release, and I believe makes me very strong. I also believe that its - rock - application is as a weapon. An entertainment weapon. Its showbiz and high art rolled into one.

At the moment, I'm on ice with it a bit because I don't have any guitars with me. I'm sorely missing them. I can't write, can't play and can't record. Its a temporary arrangement, but naturally, I find it a (if not THE) defining aspect to my personality. So, being without it is not fun.

Still though, I am fighting at the moment. I will be ready when things are back on track. The new opera is a really ambitious project, but I'm confident that I've got the ability and knowledge to see it through. I learnt a lot from recording Attack Of The Chevron Flasher. The one question that I'm trying to answer at the moment is whether or not to wait until I have my new digital 24 track studio, which I'll buy when the finances are in place. It would be nice to have everything standardised, but if it has to be recorded -as DEMOS- in part on my analogue rig, then analogue it will be.

Hope that you're feeling strong, safe and secure.

Tom.