Should I Shut My Blog Down?

Should I Shut My Blog Down?

I'm not well today. I'm at home. My stomach feels awful and I can't eat. Had a sleepless night last night. Am off work today. Probably just a bug.

I am seriously considering shutting down this blog.

It makes me feel vulnerable to prying eyes. There were over 250 views of my entries last week alone. I am sharing a lot of information about myself, and I don't know if I can do that any longer. I feel as though I can't be as honest as I would like anymore, and honesty is very important to me. I don't want to fail myself in maintaining that.

Part of me though, feels very strongly about using the internet as a forum for sharing ideas, experiences and thoughts. I don't want to fail to make my contribution.

Sounds very serious.

Tom.

That Fuzzy Place

I feel depressed. Very sad for some reason.

After the gig last night, I ended up alone not quite sure what to do with myself. Danny and Alex headed back up north straight after the show. So, I found myself sitting on my bed writing my journal at 2am.

I've had a long day today. I'm still tired. I still seem to be alone, I don't seem to want to drink -which is unusual - and so I'm at loss as to what I should do with myself.
Enough of the wallowing. Last night, was 'ok'. A very tolerant crowd, who I really didn't think would want the particular cup of tea that we tend to brew. We all made mistakes. We seem to have gotten away with it (but if you picked up one of the flyers from the gig and are reading this blog for the first time...then its a fair cop, guv!)

Still though, we did our job which was to sew another stitch in what we do as a band, allow me to progress the method of my own particular thesis and entertain - I hope - a few people on the way.. We have momentum for the first time in a long time. I've written a really interesting record for us to release in the form of the Flasher opera. It will help us stand apart, as long that is, as we are willing to stand behind it.

But are we in that fuzzy place yet where music, humour, art and violence combine to make entertainment. No. We haven't got there yet. We can do. We should do. We almost absofuckinglutely have to if we're going to go beyond the average. You see, we will never be pretty boys with Tony & Guy haircuts. No L'Oreal "st-st studio, L'Oreal studio line" for us.

Though, in our favour, we will only become stronger as the more beautiful looking around us watch their God given gifts fade around them. Hence we are rock musicians.

Tomorrow, I am off to Denmark Street to buy the new studio. It will be a 16 or 24 track rig, it will enable me to record demos for the Light Gate project in a way that won't be limited by technical constraints.

My hand is quite swollen from hitting my guitar yesterday, I have a few cuts - nothing like those of old - and I find the soreness quite welcome. It reminds me of who I am.

If you came to the gig, and you've laboured your way through this rather downbeat blog entry, then thanks for sticking with me. We seem to be set to play more at Gramaphone, once a month on a regular basis. I'm sourcing out some new venues in Shoreditch. Once we're a tighter machine, then we will be the best The Change type band that we can be.

Peace, love, and light to one and all.

Tom.

Gig

Coming ?

Watch Me Fucking Fly!

The wild house party wasn't very wild. I have vast stockpiles of booze ready for action. Those who came were sweet and very lovely, I am fortunate to know them all. But a lot of friends -not people I just know through myspace - but old uni friends were fucking appalling. They live five minutes walk away and didn't bother. Fuck them.

I also got dumped by my girlfriend last night. Something to do with her past made her freakout. We've only really just started. We're both twenty five years old. Absolute Beginners still, eh!

Anyway, I've been on the booze a lot recently and I was hoping to straighten up a bit. I've decided to fuck this plan of action, and remained hammered and sobre up enough for next weekend's rehearsals. So expect the artistic produce of a vegetable until then, soaked in a variety of alcholic beverage.

What annoys me most about being dumped is that there were no signs. It all seemed good. For the first time in eons I was really happy to commit, I'm usually pathetic when it comes to commitment. My bonking stats for 2006 are of the scale. Its shameful. Truly. But I seem to get away with it, until someone hooks me in and at which point it seems to dissintergrate.
Fuck that! I don't care if I die alone or whatever, as long as I've done what God put me on earth to do...as long as I make the contribution that I need to then I've no interest in hanging around. Falling for someone is a wonderful thing, but christ...it confuses things. Is it going to help or hinder me ? Should I remain permenantly detached to safeguard my artistic intensity or would commitment make me stronger?

But to all those who have written me off, to all of those who have dumped or run from me, to those who don't turn up, and to those who think that I'm pretentious twat...make as much noise as you like...because I still feel how I did when I was 21 and insane with this thing we call rock n roll...Danny and I are back on the 14th of September on stage. Watch me fucking fly!

Tom.